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Thoughts Archive

Friday

25

November 2016

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COMMENTS

Gilmore Girls

Written by , Posted in Thoughts, Travel, TV

gilmoregirls2I had big plans for today. Gilmore Girls Day. I’ve been waiting for this for a year. I’ve felt frustration about season seven of Gilmore Girls since the first time I watched it. I wanted some answers and some closure. I needed an excuse to eat junk and had food planned for each episode.

Episode 1 – coffee in our Luke’s mugs, donuts, and Poptarts

Episode 2 – chili fries

Episode 3 – pizza and Founders Day Punch

Episode 4 – ice cream

gilmoregirls1

Left off the menu was Chinese food, burgers, deviled eggs, tacos, pickles, Mallomars, blueberry shortcake, and burritos. But, I’ll pencil those in for the next time that I watch the revival… cough… tomorrow… cough. We had plans to start early and watch all the way through. We had the fire going, blankets for coziness, snacks ready and waiting. It was a good plan. But, things don’t always go the way we want them to, do they?

We watched it all. I cried. A lot. We ate some of the snacks we’d bought. I’m glad we hadn’t decided to do both pizza, burgers, and Chinese food like I’d originally hoped. We didn’t even make the chili fries or get to the Poptarts, and the Founders Day Punch became hard cider. We ate so many donuts that I lost count. I wasn’t hungry for the pizza that I ate. But, I ate it anyways, because it’s wasteful to throw out perfectly good pizza. I flip flopped from Team Logan to Team Jess (and back and forth again). I had great expectations for this show. It didn’t really disappoint. The day, as a whole, was acceptable. But, no matter what, the ending of a show this epic will always result in some sort of a letdown.

I know. It’s just a show, right? Big picture, it’s not that important. But the thing is, to me, it kinda is. Tim and I have been watching this show together (what up Gilmore Guys!) for ten years. I remember watching this show with him at each home we’ve lived in (I think we’re at around seven if we count the month we housesat and the three weeks in Paris). Before we moved, after we moved, boxes everywhere. During critical and life changing events. It was a small comfort during those times when I couldn’t stop crying because once again I wasn’t pregnant. It’s been my background while I planned menus and folded laundry. It’s just a show. Life is fine without it. But, life is better with it. It just is.

Today’s episodes hit home a little more than usual. I generally can’t relate to single mom stuff, life as a diner owner, or Rory in college. But, (MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD) Rory is 32 now. She’s struggling with figuring out her life’s direction. Hello! We’re on a four month soul searching road trip. She feels lost and like a failure. Ugh. Did she read my second last post?! (SPOILERS ENDED) AND THESE (whoa! didn’t mean to start that in all caps) characters feel like friends. Am I lame for feeling that way? Don’t answer that. I care about them (don’t judge). I feel with them (Richard dying – he’s dead in real life – their tears probably weren’t faked). I feel like I’ve known them for years.

Judge if you want. I’ll be here drinking boxed wine out of a water bottle, eating cold Poptarts, and searching the land and farm website for the umpteenth time. So I don’t really care. Could Lorelai hire me to be her chef at the Dragonfly Inn? Oh wait, that’s not a real place. Crap.

I miss them already.

Wednesday

23

November 2016

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COMMENTS

Finding Our Place

Written by , Posted in Thoughts, Travel

nebraskasunset2

On Sunday we packed up the car to head out again. I simultaneously like and dislike it. Tim pointed out that there’s something comforting about getting back in the car after a stay. And he’s right. It’s our home base right now. It holds all of our possessions, it carries us from place to place, it provides warmth to our toes on cold days. But, packing up again means one more place that we’re not going to settle in to and make home. One more place that someone else has successfully tamed that we won’t. One more place that’s not our final destination.

We didn’t expect anyone to take us in permanently. Some have offered that we can come back, that we could stay as long as we want to. We haven’t wanted to overstay our welcome (although we’ve tried – sorry parents). We’re looking for permanence in the midst of constant change. That’s tough for me.

I’m a homebody and an introvert. I like my routine and my schedule. I like to know what’s coming. This trip has freed me from a lot of that. It’s shaken things up. But, still, I long for home. Maybe it’s the home we left. I’m anxious to get back, to purge, rearrange, and reacquaint. Or maybe it’s just a home, any home, where Tim and I can settle. I want to find a place for Brando’s bed. I want to set up the kitchen, then move everything again when I realize the silverware is in a wonky place. I want to arrange and rearrange the living room until the couch is in just the right spot.

brandokansas

I find myself dreaming about houses we’ve stayed in as I’m trying to fall asleep. Where I’d put our furniture, whether or not I’d have a cellar, what room I’d choose to be the library – all these occupy my mind as I’m drifting off. We’ve moved many times in the ten years that we’ve been married. Each time I find so much joy in setting up our home. This time feels different though. We’ve never searched this long for the right place before. And I start to wonder if we will know it when we see it, or if we should just settle on something, anything, so long as we can afford it.

Sunday

20

November 2016

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COMMENTS

So, This Year Has Been Tough

Written by , Posted in Thoughts, Travel

mnmaple

A few weeks ago we watched the Cubs win the World Series. One thing that stuck in my mind was at the end of game two they showed some of the guys from the Cubs front office and I couldn’t help but be amazed that they looked to be about my age. I look at the writing staff on some of our favorite shows. They’re my age too. Many of the speakers at this year’s Yellow Conference were my age or younger.

And I have to admit that I feel like a bit like a failure.

I’ve never been super career driven. I always wanted my job to be mom. That didn’t happen. A career didn’t happen. Am I just wasting my time?

Is this a mid(ish) life crisis?

A successful career doesn’t define who I am. For that matter, neither does whether or not I’m ever a mom.

Doesn’t… Shouldn’t… Still kinda does.

One thing that Tim and I have figured out over the years is that we want more than a high paying job. We want life… we want to be together, we want to take a vacation without getting the stink eye from the employer, we want to breathe. Life’s not supposed to be just about work. Is it?

Is it?

Can watching Fixer Upper be a career?

We’re dreaming of a farmhouse on a bazillion acres with a cow and chickens and a horse named Cowboy. Tim’s dreaming of writing a book. I want to preserve food from my huge garden and learn to make cheese. But that’s all we know.

I have a new addiction to the Land and Farm website.

We know that our identity isn’t in what we do. We don’t want to be slaves to a paycheck or what our culture says we should value. So we’re gonna keep searching, trying to figure out what this looks like for us.

Friday

18

November 2016

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COMMENTS

Just Go

Written by , Posted in Thoughts, Travel

nebraskasunsetI got pulled over the other day. I was going five over the speed limit and with the flow of traffic. I also had California plates in Wyoming. I think I was profiled. Now it’s back to my grandma-like style of driving. I had to sit in the cop car while the cop ran my license. He asked me questions while another officer talked to Tim. I was told that I didn’t have to answer if I didn’t want to. I like to talk about myself. I told our whole story. The officer was kinda jealous of our four month road trip. Most people seem to be. Why do people think they can’t do something like this? There are always a million reasons not to do something.

uncleelmer

Because of this trip, we’re getting to experience things we’d never dream of. I’m not talking big things. Just little things like helping Uncle Elmer bring the herd of cows in from the pasture. There was no fence between us and these huge animals. They were scared of us, not realizing they could squish us if they’d wanted to. After that Uncle Elmer told us we could climb the grain holder building thing and look at the view. I didn’t want to, but I did. Really fast. Without looking down or thinking about how well the stairs were bolted on.

trbcar

If we’d said that we’d love to take a trip like this but came up with a million reason why not to, I wouldn’t have the memory of that one time I was brave. I wouldn’t remember the fear of being asked to sit in a cop car, and then realize later that what hadn’t crossed my mind was that I would be ok because of my skin color. I wouldn’t remember the sunset, or my dog with his bad hip jumping off the porch because it was the quickest way to us. And you know, there are a million reasons why we shouldn’t have gone on this trip. It costs money we don’t have (borrow). The dog might not travel well (he does). We might put too many miles on the car (we’re somewhere around 10,000). We might miss our bed (sometimes). We might get tired of being together (nope, opposite). We might discover how awesome life is somewhere other than Burbank (it could happen).

rachfeedscow

I’m a pessimistic realist who looks at the glass as half empty. Even the idea of this trip is a stretch for me. What started out as a search for direction has turned into even more of a gift as I’m finding me in little bits and pieces here and there. Little cracks of unexpected joy. In the black and white faced three day old cow that let me bottle feed her. My dog sticking his nose in cow poop because he’s never smelled it before. Giggling with Tim over something stupid (usually one of us quoting Gilmore Girls or The Office, or him laughing at how weird I’m acting because he’s recording me for one of our videos). Pieces are falling into place. They’re tiny, insignificant even. But when put together they are beginning to create a masterpiece.

Monday

7

November 2016

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COMMENTS

Too Much Stuff

Written by , Posted in Thoughts, Travel

brandocarWe have – what, about 45 cubic feet in the back of the car. The dog takes up about 10. Not a lot left for our worldly possessions. So we’ve learned to make do with very little. A few pairs of pants, t-shirts, and sweaters. Too many shoes (although I’ve worn all but one pair). And it’s turned out to be plenty. We don’t have new outfits to pull out for special occasions. But, we’re clothed, warm, and happy.

I don’t really know if it’s 45 cubic feet. It’s almost 1am and it’s too cold to walk outside to measure. We do have a measuring tape along, so I could if I cared enough.

Now that we’ve extended the length of our trip, doubled it really, I’m thinking again about what we brought. If I could have a do over, I’d change a few things. But, mostly what it’s teaching me is that we can live so much simpler. I’m sure that when we get home I’ll be thrilled to see some of the things we left behind. But, truthfully, I’m more excited to get to purge. I want to live with so much less stuff.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Tim and I both come from families of happy packrats. They have so many things that are important to them. It’s their prerogative, their lives. But, I think about my grandpa’s house. There were bundles of old newspapers, stacks of music, paths between piles so you could cross the room. I want to break the cycle.

rachdrive

As we’re continuing along this journey and thinking about where we want to be and what we want to do, one thing that I see clearly is that I want things to be simpler. Stuff clutters our small house. There are two closets that are stuffed from the bottom to the top. Furniture lines the wall space and has even started to collect outside. We can’t say no to a free solid wood dresser. There’s too much potential. But, it overwhelms me. I don’t know when I’ll ever need 86 glasses at the same time, those pants that shrunk in the closet, or my old cell phones. Some things stay because they have nostalgic ties. There are texts on those phones from when Tim and I were dating. The glasses are a collection of yard sale finds and treasures from grandparents who are gone now. They’re old, beautiful, and have the class of a different era. The pants have no excuse.

We could make do with four glasses. If we need more, we can borrow. But, we don’t do that much anymore, do we? Everyone has their own everything. Lawnmowers, sleeping bags, and barbecues. Extra sheets, towels, and a guest bed for the guests that visit twice a year. Snow boots, hats, and mittens (silly for us in California). One or two of these things isn’t a problem. But, we have 9 of the 10 things on the list. Add that to the four boxes of Christmas decorations, the tent we’ve used once, and the Halloween costumes, and it’s enough to break my brain.  windyroadstop

I wonder, are we really using our space well? Are we making good use of our things? I’d like to make do with more of the essentials, and live without some of the extras. We’ve joked about a possible next step for us being a tiny house on some property, or buying a van and traveling for a year. I almost want to pick one of these options just so that we can be forced to downsize. Oh, the freedom that this represents to me!

So, stay tuned for a sickeningly adorable new blog about decorating our tiny house and tiny kitchen… (Not really, but who knows at this point?)