Ever feel flooded with thoughts in the morning? Neither sad and morose, nor happy and cheerful. Just thoughts, comments, reflections.

Thoughts that lead to new thoughts…

I was thinking about what to write for today’s blog post. The fish that I made for dinner on Saturday was pretty good. Didn’t write it down, but I think I remember, it was pretty simple. I made it because, although I’d planned to make Fish Tacos, I remembered what a fail they were last time, mostly because I’d taken the easy way out and hadn’t crisped up the corn tortillas. I was feeling lazy on Saturday too. Lazy and hungry, and needing a break from cooking. What I really wanted to eat was In-n-Out. I knew that frying the tortillas wasn’t going to happen. So I roasted the Mahi Mahi after coating it with a little bit of olive oil and lots of seasonings. I added some Crispy Potatoes and a Green Salad. We saved In-n-Out for Sunday… we ate it twice – for lunch and dinner. What a treat! I didn’t cook a thing! On Friday I cooked a lot though…

I was taught to make Macaroons by this amazing 13 year old girl named Katy who I’m a mentor to. It’s a little bit crazy to me, because while I like your kids, friends, as they get older, they are a little bit… intimidating. It’s like all-of-a-sudden I’m back in Junior High, desperately wanting to fit in, caring too much about what others think of me, not realizing that I’m cool just because I am uniquely me…

If I could go back and tell my insecure 13 year old self anything (even though I know she would roll her eyes and sigh, making me feel inadequate and uncool), I would say that she is beautiful and is totally good enough. That her freckles are cute, her thighs are just the right size. I would say don’t be embarrassed when you get an award for orchestra. It’s a good thing. Keep it up. Playing the violin is something that not many can do well. And when you’re in your twenties and decide to pick it up again, it will not be like riding a bike. In fact, your roommate may question her offer to let you practice with your door open… I would tell her not to compromise, not to settle, not to seek popularity over value, not to worry about the many heartbreaks (and maybe I’d suggest a few to avoid altogether) because her future husband is a better man than any of them could ever hope to be…

Maybe I’d tell her these things. Or maybe I’d just hug her, tell her that she is beautiful and more than good enough (and I’d probably mention the thigh thing – she needs to know this), and I’d tell her to be nice to her parents and brothers, and leave her to grow up the way she will. Because, as I look around our tiny apartment that’s crowded with things that we’ve bought together – yard sale treasures, our first antique store purchase from our honeymoon… memories fill every inch. I’m reminded not so much by the material possessions, but by what they represent. That I like this little life, our little moments captured in time. And who I am is built on this foundation of experiences, joy and sorrow filled that they may have been. I’d be a different person without them. Maybe one with fewer emotional scars, but I’d be less me. And, although it’s taken almost a full 32 years to come to this conclusions, I’m ok with me. I like being me.

My thoughts were coming faster than I could write them down. I’ve no idea if it will make sense to your brain. If not, thanks for reading anyways. And although I’m not going to post a recipe today, if you would like to make the fish I mentioned, all you need to do is liberally sprinkle some Mahi Mahi with olive oil and your favorite seasonings (I used salt, pepper, both sweet and smoky paprika, chili powder, and red pepper flakes), and bake it in a greased pan at 375F for 20-30 minutes.